“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” -Washington Irving

I want to thank God for roommates who care and understand life. Last night was an off night for me. Everyone I knew was telling stories of their parents and family friends, and the relationships they have with them. I could not help but be jealous for what I did not have. I know that my family situation made me who I am today, but I can't help but twitch with envy as I hear about people who can rely on their parents for help, spiritually, emotionally, and for temporal needs.
After everyone else began getting ready for bed, Lynnae and I sat down to finish a movie we had started earlier. She noticed that I was in an off mood, and offered to just cuddle and play with my hair. I was in control of myself until I realized that my mom never did that with me. Lo and behold, I started bawling.
Lynnae stayed up with until about two in the morning just listening and talking. It is such a comfort and a relief to have a friend that is willing to take care of me.
I realized something last night. People are ashamed of crying. They hide the tears, and the emotions behind them. They put on brave faces to confront the world. But tears are not something to be completely hidden, they are to be shared with someone you truly care about.
Being strong and self-sufficient is a noble thing, but being able to share your weakness with someone who loves you makes your bond stronger. There is an intimate level of trust involved, for when someone knows your weaknesses they know how to hurt you more severely. But with certain people in your life, you have absolute knowledge that they would never purposely cause you pain.
I can't help but think of the Savior in Gethsemane. He shed blood, sweat and tears. This moment, though recorded for the entire world to know, was only shared with His father. He cried in pain. His cries were heard. And because of His strength I know I can be strong as well. There is nothing in this life that I cannot handle with Christ to guide me.
As today began, I still felt the residual emotions that had flooded last night. And as the day unfolded, stress set in as I attempted to fit in the study groups, the labs, the tests, the studying, and all of the other things on my to-do list. I took my geology test and earned a B, which in not bad for the first test of the semester. I called my mom to check in and, no surprise, there was drama on that end. And by the time I got home, still having a relatively lengthy to-do list, I felt at peace. This is quite odd, and I can't explain why, nothing really got easier, nothing changed. But I do feel like what I talked about last night has helped clear the fog. I am not exactly looking through crystal at where I need to go and what I need to do. But it isn't blocked by a brick wall anymore, and that is slightly more comforting.
I am also grateful for uplifting music that portrays exactly how I feel. I have experienced a lot in my life, and I have hidden my feelings about a lot of it. Now the only thing I regret about my past is that I did not express myself, and when I did, I redacted the words soon after.

I unapologize
I meant every word
Won’t take back the way I feel about you
Can’t unsay what you heard
Cause you heard me right
And I won’t try to fighting back to hide my feelings for you
I unapologize

There’s no time to be
Holding it all in and trying to pretend
That I don’t care feel anything
Oh, I shouldn’t have said I’m sorry

At the moment this song resonates with me. I am not sorry for how I feel. I am not ashamed, because I have nothing that needs to be hidden. I still have things to confront, but I think I will soon be prepared to do that. It is scary to think about, and it will be hard. But it is not something that is impossible anymore.

On another note, I feel like my blog has been becoming serious on a regular basis... I can't have that happening now, can I?

    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
    sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
    After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
    elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
    75 flights of stairs to get to their room.  Bill said to Jim and
    Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
    concentrating on something interesting.  I'll tell jokes for 25
    flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
    tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor Bill
    stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.  At the 51st floor
    Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.  "I will
    tell my saddest story first," he said.  "I left the room key in
    the car!" 

And of course I must have something that proves how politically correct I am... bwa ha ha

Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"